Out of Control

If you know me, you know that I am a complete control freak and yet, somehow I justify this ridiculous behavior with the fact the I can ADMIT  full out that I am a control freak.  I don't know if it's because I am particular about certain things or maybe just overly opinionated or if it's because I like organization, but I seem to control or attempt to control the majority of things in my life. 

Since I do most of the shopping I tend to control.  What we eat, what we wear, what products we use, it all comes out of my budget, so while I don't make the money in our family, I pretty much control how our disposable funds get spent.  Then there is our house, which I like to be picked up and fairly clean, more control, and Graham, whom I am trying to raise and teach good manners etc, even more control.  I also like to lead, so VBS director or MOPS steering team, more and more control. 

Feeling in control of the things in my life soothes me.  It makes me feel at ease, while feeling out of control drives me nuts and literally stresses me out... or it did until this month.  June was kind of a whirlwind month in the Ahlers household.  Between Tim and I we had commitments nearly every night of the week and it seemed our weekends were jam packed with social activities.  This scene is fairly common for us, but add all that to still trying to get pregnant, Graham entering his terrible 2 phase and VBS, my sence of control totally flew out the window. 

In a near melt down state last week, I finally just gave up and you know what?  It was the best feeling EVER!  I sat down for the first time in a really long time and earnestly prayed for God to control my life.  To just take over because I was at my wits end.  I will admit while I have been incessantly praying lately...  for another pregnancy, for Graham's behavior to improve, for all my friends/ family going through rough times, I haven't really been letting God take control of MY life.  I have been asking that He take control of everyone else's life, yet I found myself mostly bitter and upset with Him and his timing of our second baby.  I was controlling everything in my power, meds, timing sex, eating healthy, exercising, you name it, I controled it in hopes to get pregnant and still, nothing was happening.

During my prayer I realized my life is already in control, it's in God's control.  What I need to do is let go and let life take it's course.  Maybe we still won't get pregnant, and maybe Graham will continue to act naughty, but it's out of my control.  I just need to relax and enjoy all the wonderful parts of life that have already been given to me and if that means I'm flying by the seat of my pants, then so be it.  In the end things have a way of working themselves out, I just need to figure out how to let it happen!